(funky disco plays) ♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family ♪
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place ♪
♪ Where everyone will know ♪
♪ My happy mustached face ♪
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
== sync, corrected by elderman == (chuckles)
The Cleveland Show 02x05 Little Man on Campus Original Air Date on November 14, 2010
GORDY: And that makes six wins in a row
for Stoolbend High baseball,
under the leadership of Coach Clarence Brown.
ANGUS: It's Cleveland Brown.
GORDY: Who hasn't seen the post-season since his playing days in 1984.
ANGUS: As everyone knows, that was the year the Growlers lost State
to the Mud Falls Trotters,
General Motors shut down the plant,
little Missy White was found bludgeoned to death,
and Stoolbend's been in the crapper ever since.
And on a personal note, that was the year I tried sushi.
Didn't like it.
Never tried it again.
GORDY: Hey, Angus, here's a question.
Which woman on Friday Night Lights
wouldn't you have sex with?
ANGUS: The mayor.
GORDY: We'll accept that.
The mayor, or Saracen's grandma,
the only two possible answers.
Go, Growlers!
(cheering)
Betting on the Growlers is winning me a fortune!
Last week I made my first charitable donation.
$100 to Fight the Cure.
Don't you mean Find the Cure?
Nope. Fight the Cure.
It's America's only pro-AIDS charity.
If I got it, everyone's got to have it.
What makes you think you have AIDS?
I watched the Madonna episode of Glee.
(laughing)
(clears throat)
You are an ignorant man.
Hey, let's hear it for Cleveland
who's gonna give my son Raymond some playing time
in the playoffs.
Yay!
Don't worry, Tim.
I'll put him in next game.
Really?
No. Not even considering it.
Raymond's a bad player.
Wha...? He is?
Cleveland, let me know what I can do to help.
Holt Richter, reporting for duty.
MVP of my Little League team.
You mean your very little league!
(laughs)
Ha! We devalue you
and your accomplishments due to your size.
(laughter)
(clapping)
Who is that?
Chet Butler.
My longtime rival
that you're just hearing about now for the first time.
That dirty-playing S.O.B. purposely beaned me
and knocked me out of the game, costing us the championship.
I still have the scar from where that pitch hit me.
So, what brings your slow-clapping ass into my bar?
Just taking my State Championship ring out
for a little walk.
(ding)
Of course, you'll never know what that feels like... loser.
Yeah, well, you'll never know what losing feels like, winner.
(applause and cheering)
You've won this round, Cleveland.
So I guess I do know what losing feels like.
(crowd groaning and booing)
I'm, uh, gonna go get a beer.
(crowd cheering)
Well, I guess the crowd's reaction
isn't really a good indication of whose side they're on.
CROWD: Wheel! Of! Fortune!
So, Junior, how's your wood shop project going?
Whee!
I'm making sawdust angels.
That's your project?
Who cares? It's shop.
It's not like a real class.
MAN: Not a real class?!
I'm sorry. I didn't see you, Mr. Thumbs.
(all gasping)
That's what we call him behind his back.
You think these are funny?
I can't walk down the damn street
without people pulling over and asking if I need a ride.
(laughing)
They think you're hitchhiking.
You better get serious, young fella.
This project is worth 75% of your grade.
We get a grade in this class?
Well, if I fail shop, I'll disappoint my father,
and I've never disappointed my father.
Get your act together, Brown.
If your final project doesn't blow me away,
I will not hesitate to give you an "F."
You would "F" me?
Well, how do you even write down grades?
I report them orally.
That's right.
I will "F" you orally.
GORDY: And the Growlers winning big in a blowout,
thanks to a strong outing
by deaf pitcher Oliver Wilkerson.
ANGUS: Okay, people, on your feet because it's time
to welcome the Growler himself, Sparky,
taking his traditional seventh-inning stroll
around the infield with ballpark owner Lloyd Waterman.
GORDY: Sparky on the mend, recently bitten by a raccoon.
ANGUS: Seems he's recovered just fine.
Welcome back, Sparky.
There he is.
Come here, Sparky.
(growling)
(yelling)
My star pitcher!
Somebody stop that dog!
He's my dog. I'll take care of it.
Oh, no.
(groaning)
I can't watch.
Good-bye, Sparky.
Oh, my patella!
Oops!
(gunshot) (groaning)
ANGUS: And down goes Sparky.
GORDY: Third on-field execution of an animal this season.
ANGUS: And who says baseball's boring?
Cleveland, we're still going to State, right?
I got a lot riding on this team.
There's no way.
Without Wilkerson, we're like Kim Cattrall's bedroom.
Eight scared teenage boys just waiting for it all to be over.
It's hopeless.
HOLT: Coach, you missed one!
Heads up!
Ow! Son of a bitch!
Where'd you learn to pitch like that?
Play catch with my mom every night.
She says it tuckers me out. It does.
Move it, kid.
Ha-ha! Holt looks like a kid.
Wish he was a kid,
so he could throw that knuckleball for our team.
Wait a minute.
Hmm. Hmm.
ANGUS: ...and pitching for the Growlers,
rebel transfer student, Colt Koufax!
GORDY: What a pitch from Koufax,
which I believe is a Jewish name.
ANGUS: Before you comment further, Gordy, remember,
everyone can hear what you're saying.
GORDY: Jews are fine by me!
Let's go, Growlers! (cheering)
Wow, Colt, you're such a good baseball player.
And you're so mature, with your five o'clock shadow
and your crow's feet and your graying nose hair.
Yeah, you look just like the teenagers on TV.
Yeah, I am pretty cool.
But one time at my old school, I took the whole day off.
Me and my best friend Cameron took his dad's Ferrari.
Drove all around Chi-town.
Picked up my girlfriend, Sloan Peterson.
Sang "Danke Schoen" on a float.
Meanwhile, Ben Stein's going,
"Bueller? Bueller?"
Got home just in time.
Didn't even get caught.
♪ Chika-chikaaah ♪
♪ Mm-ow-ow. ♪
Awesome! Wow!
Your sister must hate you.
Mm.
Donna, don't let yourself fall in love
with another teenage bad boy.
Especially one who looks like...
Holt?!
Did she just call you "Holt"?
Uhh... maybe. Don't care.
Who cares what grownups say?
We're kids.
Incorporated.
Before your time... Our time.
Gotta go.
Coach Brown, a word!
Here we go.
(sweetly): Hey, baby.
Cleveland, please tell me you have nothing to do with
your best friend pretending to be
a baseball player on your team.
You're my best friend, Donna.
Ah, really?
No!
What the hell is going on?
Cheating to get to State.
I didn't hear that.
I said "cheating to get to..."
Cleveland, I heard you.
♪ ♪
GORDY: And the Growlers are one strike away.
(applause)
ANGUS: Growlers go to State!
My, oh my!
Championship game tomorrow night.
A rematch of 1984,
Stoolbend versus Mud Falls.
I think I'm getting the hang of this.
Hey, Junior, I just finished my project.
Wanna take a look see?
Wow, it's great!
And it gets even better.
This sheet's just covering it up so it's a surprise.
I'm going to blow Mr. Tanner's mind.
(gasps) Nuh-uh! Nuh-uh!
No! You did not!
I'm blown away! I'm blown away!
Naw!
(chuckles)
Hey, thanks.
So, show me what you've been working on all week.
It's a wooden window holder opener.
I got it.
Oh man, what else does that thing do?
Well, there's this.
Off to slay the troll king.
I think I misunderstood the assignment.
Drink up, li'l buddy.
You've kept my betting streak alive
and got us to the championships.
Shh.
Timmy.
He don't know.
Timmy honest bear.
Here's to Colt and the Growlers.
Tomorrow, we-- I mean, they-- win State!
And I-- I mean, he-- gets laid for the first time since 1997.
When he was four.
I know you're enjoying this,
but you're supposed to be keeping a low profile.
Sorry bro, no low-pro.
Please, at least wait until tomorrow...
after we beat Mud Falls and I get that sweet State ring.
Well, I gotta biz-ounce.
A kid in my homeroom's parents are out of town.
Okay, but remember,
we got a big game tomorrow, so don't statutory rape anybody.
(both laughing)
(brakes screeching)
(tires screeching, music blaring)
Oh, Holt's home.
Wait, what's Colt doing driving Holt's car?
He must have stolen it,
and he drove right to Holt's house.
The balls on that kid.
Uh, yeah, Tim.
I'll be sure to reprimand him after the season.
Now Colt is going into Holt's house.
We got to stop him.
(growling)
Stop it. Stay away from Colt, Holt.
Don't tase me, bro. I mean, stay away from Holt, Colt.
Help! Beatles. I get mixed up
because your names are so similar
and you are of similar sizes. I've fallen and I can't get up.
Old people commercial.
This just in-- your star player wears a wig.
Come on, Tim, I need that for the game tomorrow.
(gasps)
What in the wild, wild world of sports is a-going on?
H-Hey, Cleveland, you're not going to believe this,
but, uh, Colt is, uh, is Holt.
What?
No, that, that can't be true.
He... Wait a minute,
y-you knew.
You all knew.
Look, I only need Holt to pitch one more game tomorrow
and then Stoolbend is state champs.
Sure, it's cheating, but I'm doing it for you, Tim.
Can't you see that?
All of this has been for you and me.
I'm sorry, Cleveland, but cheating is morally wrong.
Plus, Raymond should be pitching.
I'm sorry, I have no choice but to report this-- ow!
What the...?
Hey, man, cut it out.
That's a, tha-that's a shovel, you know?
Why... won't... you... go... down?!
Oka-Okay, seriously, Lester, it's getting really annoying.
KENDRA: For the championship!
Hi-ya!
Go, Growlers!
I'm freaking out.
I got blood on my hands, Lester.
I got to keep it together.
I got to keep it toge-- aah!
Tim will be fine.
I'll bring him back right after the game tomorrow.
This doesn't feel right-- like a vegan barbecue.
All right, Not-Dogs and Sham-Burgers are ready.
Hey, brah, you want some Fakon on that?
Aah!
Smell that?
That's meat burning.
Ah, God, that smells so good.
Okay, listen up, it's almost game time.
Where's Colt?
Um, he quit.
He's joining the musical.
He said he had to be true to who he is,
not to who everyone thought he was.
A five, six, seven, eight.
♪ ♪
What are you thinking?
This is the championship.
Musical theater is for the gays--
the lucky, lucky gays!
(sighs)
Dad, why are you undressing that little boy
who has a chest tattoo of Jeremy Piven
just like Mr. Holt?!
Scram, Holt, get to the field.
Wait, what's going on here?
Why would you do this, Dad?
Let me tell you somethin son.
Sometimes the cards you're dealt aren't good enough.
You have to reach for better cards-- cheating cards.
But how can you live with yourself
when you're cheating to win?
I'm just settling the score with Coach Butler.
Besides, it's tradition to cheat in baseball.
Look at Mark McGwire, Roger Clemens, Alex Rodriguez,
and the entire 2004 and 2007 Boston Red Sox.
Sometimes you got to do whatever it takes to win.
Now, come on, we're going to go win State!
I'll be right there.
I just remembered something I need to do.
CLEVELAND: I wonder what he remembered to do.
I wonder what Donna's making for dinner.
I wonder if she'll even make dinner.
I'll pick up some pad Thai and some scrambled eggs
and a Clark bar on the way home.
If she's already made dinner,
then I'll just eat that for lunch tomorrow.
(chuckling): Terry will be so jealous.
He always has crummy lunches.
It's sad that Terry's alone.
Hey, old man.
Get it?
(both laughing)
Yes, I do get it.
Oh, I'm happy you're here, Rallo.
GORDY: Another strikeout!
I haven't seen a pitching performance rival this
since Danny Almonte, the kid who lied about his age
to pitch in the Little League World Series.
(crickets chirping)
(owl hooting)
What the...?
H-How did I get... in the woods?
Oh, man, stood up too fast.
Oh, gross, sap.
I hate the woods.
You got to beam me out of here, Jesus.
I got to haul bear ass to that game
and stop Cleveland from cheating.
If there was any way to get to the field quick...
Hmm, that gives me an idea.
Hey, thanks for the ride, Doug.
Good luck with your wife's operation.
Oh, right.
Don't worry, honey, we're almost there.
(woman groaning)
ANGUS: Grab your gas can and find a cop car,
'cause two more outs and Stoolbend is champs.
GORDY: Hold everything!
Here comes virgin principal Wally Farquhar!
Stop the game! Stop the game!
One of these students is ineligible!
(crowd gasps, murmurs)
Ernie Krinklesac is the guilty Gus!
He never turned in his final wood shop project.
What?!
That gives him an "F,"
which makes him academically ineligible
for extracurricular activities!
Whew!
Hey, how did Ernie fail shop?
He built our carport.
How?
How, indeed. (chuckles)
I did what it took to win, Dad.
First, I created a distraction.
And then, for the final part of my trick,
known as the Prestige,
I took Ernie's project and put my name on it.
How could you do that to your friend?
Like you said,
winning is the most important thing.
Friend or no friend, I gotta get mine.
And if I failed shop, I would disappoint you.
And I've never, ever disappointed you, Daddy.
Well, you did disappoint me.
By cheating.
What?!
Where do you think I got the idea?!
You're cheating!
I learned it from you!
You just found out I was cheating!
Ah, busted!
Oh, Junior, what have I taught you?
You did good, Holt, but the jig's up.
Why you taking me out, brah?
This whole thing's wrong.
Bad caramel.
Too much bad caramel.
Give me the ball.
(sighs) Yeah, I get it.
It's probably for the best.
All these 'roids are doing a number on my junk.
(crowd applauds)
(cheering)
You're about to find out what happens
when animals attack...
if you, uh, if you, uh, remember, uh, those shows.
Take it easy, Tim.
I know you're upset with me, but look!
Um, far away.
Hello.
Far away.
That's my... that's my Raymond.
Yeah, Raymond! Go, buddy!
I'm really sorry, Tim. I know I messed up.
Who cares, man?!
It's my son in the championship game!
GORDY: Local burnout Raymond the Bear
not looking like he knows where he is.
Remember, that pitch is not in slow motion
to create dramatic effect.
It's that slow!
ANGUS: It's almost as if the ball itself is stoned!
Bye, bye.
ANGUS: And there you have it!
The Mud Falls Trotters are your State Champions!
(booing, jeering)
You lose again, Cold Brown.
I guess my pitcher was
just a little bit better than yours.
Well, Donna, he may have the ring
and the championship,
but I have the comfort of a clear conscience.
I did a great thing here today.
Not really.
You cheated to get to the championship,
and then you wussed out
and didn't go through with it at the end.
You realize you eliminated
three deserving teams from contention?
So, you really didn't do anything great.
No, I did.
You don't get it.
It's guy stuff.
Clear conscience, full hearts, can't lose.
Whatever.
I'm just glad I never knew anything about it.
There's still time!
♪ 525,600 minutes ♪
♪ 525,000 journeys to plan ♪
♪ 525,600 minutes ♪
♪ How can you measure the life of a woman or a man? ♪
No! No touch.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==